On tattoos.

I think I was in my senior year of high school or something when I was at my friend Alex's house. I had acquired a tattoo of a lion's profile with its mouth open and I have no clue whose idea it was but I ended up putting the tattoo right next to my nipple. It was meant to look like the lion was eating my nipple. I LET ALEX TAKE A PICTURE ON HER MACBOOK. PEOPLE HAVE SEEN IT. WE POSTED IT ON THE INTERNET. OH GOD WHY DID I DO THAT?!

This is why I'm single.

Jelly Beans.

Once upon a college semester, I got a cute boy’s number. His name was Murphy and we had a Psych class together, but I was too retarded to notice that he had been trying to converse with me for most of that semester. Luckily, he happened to be in a play that I had to see over the summer, so I decided to linger around afterwards so I could attempt to acquire them digits.

When he came out, we exchanged hellos but he was in a hurry to get home. It took me until he was several yards across campus to gather the courage to yell (and I mean, YELL), “MURPHY!!!!” He stopped. “CAN I HAVE YOUR NUMBER?” He yelled his number at me, though, and continued on his way.

~*~LATER THAT SUMMER…
I sent him a text. Out of fucking nowhere. About jelly beans. What was it about jelly beans that I just had to tell this guy? Something along the lines of "So I was eating jelly beans and had one of every color except for yellow because I don't really like them and didn't want any more. But then I felt bad for the yellow ones and didn't want them to feel left out so I ate one, but I don't remember if I actually ate one or not so I had to eat two to make sure but now it's bugging me"

Some weird shit like that. He never texted me again.

This is why I'm single.

Because lemons.

When I was little, I spent most of my time playing by myself, which is fine, because I could entertain the shit out of myself with my imagination. For example, it was not uncommon for me to get out some water balloons and pick out all of the yellow ones to fill up in the sink. I would then place them in a yellow bucket of water and sit on it because they were my little babies. Were they egg babies? No. Were they people babies? No. They were lemons. Baby lemons. And they had to be watched and sat on. I would take them on walks on the sidewalk by the front lawn and apologize profusely if I dropped one of them.


This is why I'm single.

I CAME! (BEARING GIFTS.)

Terrible, terrible gifts.

Sometimes, I'm really just an asshole when it comes to giving people gifts "for the lulz." I usually try and get something decent that I know the person will really enjoy or appreciate, but...

Middle School: I went to Layla's birthday party for the first time and I bought her a flyswatter. From the 99 cent store/big lots. This was the first of many awful things I have given layla. I can't remember them all, but one year for Christmas I just gave her this squishy/sticky tomato toy that you can throw at the wall and it might stick for MONTHS until it rolls down to the floor...

High School: I bought my friend Yael an assortment of things for one of her birthdays. One of the items was a hot pink toilet brush and the stand it sat in said "Princess."

My Boyfriend's Birthday (when I had one, HUR HUR): I had to work but we made plans to hang out when I got off. Instead of bringing him one of the mini coconut cakes from work with a candle in it, I brought him a chocolate chip twist and put a candle in it. I brought him this... because it was phallic and it amused me.

I'm an asshole and this is why I'm single.

I feel like bachelor frog sometimes.

I've done some pretty ghetto things because I've been too lazy or short on funds... like making hot chocolate out of brownie mix and, on a separate occasion, making normal hot chocolate but using a sugar daddy as a spoon to mix it because I was too lazy to go back into the kitchen and use the spoon I just washed.

Also related to food and laziness: RYAN came over some time in early October. I made breakfast which included french toast. The bottle of syrup has still not left my room. It's relocated within my room several times, but I've either been too LAZY TO PUT IT IN THE KITCHEN (are we detecting a pattern here? ) or it's been in here so long I've become sort of attached to it being in here. It brings fond memories of good times whenever I look at it...

This is why I'm single.

WHY PENIS MAKE YOU CRY?

So apparently, now, whenever I am... partaking in a particular activity with a young sir, my eyes water profusely and I occasionally need to sniffle. Not. Sexy.

Edit2016: Seriously, every fucking time I have to pause and assure them that I am not crying.

This is why I'm single.

&why no one sleeps with me

BECAUSE RYAN.

That is why!

I have a few things to say about this fellow, but before I post a long post on how exactly I met him, I will share with you this IM I sent him:

babydickmatt: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww ryaaannnn
babydickmatt: i ate this cookie from school that was really gross and REALLY dry
babydickmatt: and it like
babydickmatt: cut the roof of my mouth, but instead of a little pain it just... PEELED off a large flap of skin
babydickmatt: so gross
babydickmatt: i could feel it dangling
babydickmatt: and i had to peel it out of my mouth

Yeah, he never responded to that.

This is why I'm single.

>QUEEN OF TMI, BOY LET ME TELL YOU.

I am not a Jedi

In either my Junior or Senior year of high school, there was a week or two where I would bring my collapsible light sabers to school. I'd either keep them in my backpack, or hook them on to a belt like little jet packs or something. The last time that I did this, I was wearing platform boots that were too large for me and having a light saber "battle" against my friend Marie. We were on a rather lumpy hill, and I ended up getting wounded in battle. I stumbled on a lump or dip of sorts and pulled a tendon in my foot. The lady that supervised (sat like a vulture at) the front gate waddled over, yelling something about weapons in school and confiscated them until the end of the day. I had to use crutches for at least a week until my foot healed.

>I PULLED A TENDON IN MY FOOT WHILE PLAYING WITH LIGHT SABERS

This is why I'm single.

I feel like Whole Foods should have banned me...

The summer after ninth grade, I went to Warped Tour for the first time with my friend Samantha*. We awoke at the buttcrack of dawn and stopped at whole foods to get a bite of breakfast before embarking on our journey to Fullerton. I wasn't really that hungry, but the breakfast bar caught my eye and the sausage links caught my nostrils. I grabbed a single link of sausage, put it in one of those little post-consumer/compostable cardboard boxes, and went to the check-out to pay for it. Having a customer buy a single link of sausage for fifteen cents was probably annoying in itself, but I also only had a hundred dollar bill on me. The woman definitely judged me. I kept my receipt for a few years.

This is why I'm single.

*I introduced her to the word "twat" during P.E. one day so she put me in her phone as twat.

Lazy...?

I was cleaning my room and brought a dirty plate into the kitchen. I realized that I was pretty thirsty but I didn't to go back to my room to grab my cup of tea to put ice in. Also, my hands were a little less clean than I'd have liked so I would have had to go to the bathroom to wash my hands before getting the tea from my room (I don't trust the kitchen sink in this apartment).

What was a girl to do?

I got some ice out of the freezer and with minimal handling I shoved four cubes into my pocket, walked to the bathroom, washed my hands, and then returned to my room to put the ice in my tea.

I put ice. In. My pocket. Instead of carrying it.

This is why I'm single.