on tact

In short, I have absolutely none. For example, almost every time there's a lull in conversation when I'm with someone in their late 20s/early 30s, I say "TELL ME ABOUT THE COLD WAR". Real sexy, right? Especially when I follow it up with "don't act like you don't know about it, you're OLD, I know what's up".

Last week, I was at a guy's house when he told me that he was on a hockey team. The first thing out of my mouth was "they have hockey teams for old people?" and then I was OUT THE DOOR. Hahaha.

A few months ago, I was at this guy's apt- a guy who was all of 5'6"- and I started laughing uncontrollably because his height reminded me of Alyssa, of which I informed him ("Hahaha, you remind me of my girlfriend that moved to Washington" "Well, that's cool" "NO, NO IT IS NOT OH MY GOD HAAAAAH").

Also, apparently skinny guys don't like it when you describe them as "wimpy". WHO KNEW?

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE

(Happy NYE!)

on blood

I have bled on more than my fair share of men. I don't just mean that I got my period at a guy's house- although that is what happened last night, haha ew.

I'm certain that the worst bleeding incident was last week. This bro was going downtown when I heard him utter the worst three words I could ever imagine hearing while someone's face was adjacent to my vag. He said "is this blood?" and I freaked out, imagining that he had somehow managed to break what little is left of my hymen and I was bleeding my virginity away into his mouth. It wasn't until I was driving home that I remembered cutting myself while shaving a few hours earlier.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE

on profile pics

This is the first page of my facebook profile pictures.

Cute pictures: 1??? debatable.
Horrifying pictures: 3
Regular-type unattractive: 9
Pictures with me not in them: 7

This isn't definitely why I'm single, but probably why my facebook friends are not barraging me with messages about trying to get at ya girl.

this is why i'm single

A few days ago, a friend of mine asked me out, and I pretty much said "no" to him.

Yeah, this is probably why I'm single

Wake up flowers. I've been up for hours, there's work to do

I had this guy over that I met off of myspace. We went into my room for a while and let me just note that I had zero romantic/sexual interest in this person whatsoever. So we went into my room for a few hours and I guess we were being way too loud because after he left and I came out, my roommate was hiding in his room. Later that night he was being really pissy and quiet and finally out of nowhere he just blurted out "That's it I just gotta get this out, next time you have a guy over could ya be a LITTLE MORE QUIET WHILE YOU'RE FUCKIN HIS BRAINS OUT IN THERE?" and went on for a while. I was really taken aback and told him that if we were being too loud he could have just knocked and said something and we'd have kept it down.

Thing is though... we weren't having sex. We weren't even making physical contact because he was about four feet away most of the time. So what were we doing?

Watching my 1980something VHS of Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer. I sang along to the opening song.

on rocky

During the summer, I spent almost every weekend at Rocky. I went so often that I was actually promoted to regular status, allowing me to go in the VIP line whenever I went, paying $5 to watch and getting in the theater first. After I watched the show, I'd either TAKE THE BUS/walk home, catch a ride, or drive myself home. I don't even talk to anyone when I go there. I JUST GO BY MYSELF, WATCH A SHITTY MOVIE, AND GO HOME ALONE.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE

Guest Blogger: SAM W.

A friend was over, we watched Star Wars, and I invited her to spend the night. We were in the middle of the loudest sex I'd ever been in, when some ungodly force compelled me to say "god, you're squealing alot. Like Porkins before he got blown up".

This is why I'm single

on livejournal

on going out

This wasn't a date, nor was I with a guy that I was romantically interested in, but a few months ago I went to a concert with Mike. He had an extra ticket and invited me to come with him, so I bussed to his apartment (which was bullshit), and we drove to the arena. We were listening to the opening band, when he asked me to loan him five dollars. I refused, even though he had driven me, paid for my ticket, paid for parking, and invited me. I refused, even though I had ten dollars cash on me and my bank card. He never called me again.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE