Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to talk about why I like your dick, ever.

I hooked up with this guy last night who I'd been lightly lusting over for like... a year, maybe? So that was pretty fuckin fantastic but there were some things...

I wiggled too much and pulled my hamstring. I couldn't sit properly for several days.

When I was talking to my roommate about it after, the only way I could think to describe his penis was, "like a lightly scented dryer sheet."

Maybe that's why I haven't gotten laid in approximately three forevers/definitely maybe why I'm forever single.

Also, THIS

is now a permanent installation in the livingroom/something I texted this poor man with the caption, "Tonight. You."