i promise my vagina is not a vortex

[SLIGHTLY GRAPHIC, OR DETAILED, OR SOMETHING.]

I met a boy on an anonymous website (ended up being someone layla knows-ish, lol) and we decided to meet up. I was originally intending just to chat with random people on there, and possibly hook up if someone particularly sparked my interest/gave me boners. He was hoping for a possible relationship later on, and I was unsure if that was something I was interested in with him or in general so we agreed to get to know each other a little/hook up and see if there was anything there. Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling it after meeting. My lack of interest, I assure you, had nothing to do with what happened when we tried to have sex.

The condom slipped off at some point and I freaked out a little bit. I couldn't find it anywhere around us. I started laughing and said, "OOH MY GOD I HAVE TO GO IN THE BATHROOM AND FIND IT. PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON, WE HAVE TO TRY AGAIN LATER AND OH MY GOD I HAVE TO CALL LAYLA." I went into the bathroom and spent five minutes laughing, texting several people what just happened, and trying to dig it out of my lady parts. It was so far up in there it took a lot of effort to find it and pull it out because I could barely reach. I mean, it wasn't THAT deep in the depths of the deep depths, but I have little hands/short fingers. And I was laughing.

I came back, put on a super (not) sexy bathrobe and clung to my teddybear for a good while as we watched Bruno. At some point I was playfully punching him in the face and beating him with a pink stuffed snake. SUPER FUCKING SEXY.

THIS IS TOTALLY WHY I AM SINGLE.
(although somehow he was still into me? but I wasn't feeling it :/)

Edit: Forgot, I folded up a piece of cardboard from a box of cookies I opened, stuck it in his nose, and made him sit with it in there while I took a photo.