ON FLIRTING LIKE A PRO.

I was at work yesterday, and this guy came in that I had been eying. I know his friend Sean comes in several nights a week and has for the past two years, so I was going to have my coworker Katie tell him I thought his friend was hot. I complimented his Darth Vader shirt the first time I saw him...little steps, little steps. So I was planning on pulling an Alex and writing my number on his receipt last night because I was pretty sure Katie didn't tell Sean or hadn't seen him or forgot or something.

SO WHAT DID I DO WHEN HE CAME IN? I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER AND HE REJECTED ME, RIGHT?

Well He came in and got his orange juice, and after he swiped his card I sat on the floor to tie my shoe. Behind the counter. His receipt came out and I stood up, handed it to him, and instead of giving him my number, I SAT BACK DOWN TO CONTINUE TYING MY SHOE FOR A REALLY LONG TIME. It totally made sense to me at the time, and I don't understand how or why.

THIS IS WHY I'M SINGLE.

on being super memorable

I called Alyssa to talk about a guy I met a coffee shop that didn't remember my name, and she kind of yelled at me (jokingly) about how I can't just flirt with a guy normally. Whatever.

So, I went to a coffee shop, and this guy, I'll call him Ducky (SHUT UP ALYSSA) came up to me and introduced himself, at which point I grumpily said "I'VE ALREADY MET YOU." Yeah... um. Maybe I need to not. In my defense, I've already seen him there three times- not like I've just been sitting there not talking to him, but every time he's come up to me and said hello. I tried to have a conversation with Ducky guy, but it didn't really work out after that, so I just left.

This brought up a memory from my freshman year of college, a specific incident where I met one guy "for the first time" three times. It was pretty much bullshit. Granted, I did bleach my hair between meeting him, but I didn't bleach MY FACE.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE

Burn.

About a year ago I was texting a friend of mine. I was having some pretty bad problems and he was worried so he called me to make sure I would be ok. We talked for a while and he let slip that he had a girlfriend and was living with her. I stopped talking and had to get off the phone a little while after that. I had been in love with him for over six months at that point and was planning on telling him but that bit of information made it pretty awkward for me. A few days later we were texting and I decided to just tell him that I loved him. He knew at a minimum I really really liked him, so his response was "oh dear"

I felt shitty knowing that he had a girlfriend when I told him this, but I was still hoping that maybe he had liked me at one point, or still did and we lived too far, or something. Maybe if they ever broke up I would have a chance. I mean, he used to sleep over all of the time when he could drive his car and we'd always cuddle really close in bed. He drove down one night when I was flipping out at midnight from long beach so I could get through the night and sleep. And one day he randomly texted me because we hadn't hung out in a long time and suggested I come over there and we "release any sexual frustrations we might have" or something. LOLWTFRANDOM. It was totally out of nowhere, and didn't make sense to me at the time, but being the idiot that I am I declined. I had hooked up with some guy once or twice and we were hanging out a lot, I assumed he would end up being my boyfriend and even if he didn't at the time I was really miffy about hooking up with more than one person, even if it was a purely physical thing.

FUNNY STORY ABOUT THAT GUY SOON TO COME.

So with those things, I thought that maybe I'd still have a chance one day.

SO I ASKED HIM, THIS LOVE OF MINE...

"hey... so lets say your girlfriend spontaneously combusts, do you think you could ever see me as more than a friend...?"
"I don't think so. I'm sorry, I feel bad :/"

YEAH THIS IS MOST DEFINITELY WHY I AM SINGLE.
ALSO, I AM TOTALLY THE ~*~QUEEN OF TACT~*~

on menstruation

This is a text chatlog from a conversation I had with this guy a few hours ago:

Him: What r u doing?

Me: Awkward date time, oh yeah

Him: Ha. Why don't you skip that and come spread your legs on my bed? =)

Me: Unless you want me to bleed on you again, pass. Sweet, sweet endometrium.

Him: Ugh.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE

on talking to older people

I covered this a bit with the "on tact" post, I think.

Anyway, this older guy was giving me a ride yesterday and we started talking about 80s fashion revival.

Him: 80s fashion is never going to come back. There are too many people around today that experienced it. There were a lot of bad things in the 80s.

Me: OH MY GOD, HOW MUCH COCAINE DID YOU DO IN THE 80S

Him: What.

THIS MAYBE ISN'T EXACTLY WHY I'M SINGLE BUT IT'S DEFINITELY WHY I HAVE A SMALL GROUP OF FRIENDS AND WHEN I MEET NEW PEOPLE I GENERALLY DON'T SEE THEM MORE THAN ONCE OR TWICE

College..?

It was either last spring or fall semester that I took Communications 10, which, mind you, was a college course. In the beginning of the class, we did an assignment to get to know our classmates and one of the questions asked what we wanted to be when we grew up. I answered, "a caterpillar."

Oh, there's more.

The professor called on a few students to answer questions about other classmates, and she called on a girl who read my answer. The professor asked why I wanted to be a caterpillar, and I answered "Because they're squishy."

THIS. IS WHY. I'M SINGLE.

...

I'm updating this blog while on the toilet... just so that I can say that I am updating this blog while on the toilet. I'm also naked.


This is why I'm single.

on eating, pt 2

Yesterday, Alyssa and I were in Cafe Bolivar, a nice Brazilian place two blocks from where we attended middle school. She tried to feed me soup and it was so hot that I spat it everywhere. I then pretended to make out with the soup and spat it everywhere again. At one point, Alyssa spat soup as well.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY WE ARE SINGLE

THIS IS ALSO DEFINITELY WHY WE SHOULDN'T EAT IN PUBLIC

on eating

This was from eating a candy apple. I started eating it at the pier in Monterey Bay and walked around town like that. I was fifteen years old when this happened. FIFTEEN!

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE, AND DEFINITELY WHY I WAS SINGLE WHEN I WAS FIFTEEN