game tiem

I was giving this guy head while he was playing some computer game, and I kept stopping to say "I DON'T HEAR CLICKING!" if I thought he wasn't actively playing. At one point, the game said "do not fail this mission!" and I kept laughing every time it said that. Obv. finished the job, but our relationship didn't really progress on a mutual emotional/mental level.

This is why I'm single.

(But it was totally hilarious, imo)

THE SUN IS UP, IT'S TIME FOR PICTURES

I forgot to post these a few weeks ago, but...





This shit right here is definitely why I'm single.

Dear starbucks guy, I'M SO SORRY OH GOD

I really hope this is the last of my single posts regarding starbucks guy. Oh my gooooodddd.

SO TODAY.

I went in there because the locals scare me and the baristas (and this guy Aaron) are the only social interaction I really desire in this here town and I wanted to see people today. I didn't have anything I needed to study, and that's usually the only reason I went in there so I decided to bring a bunch of art supplies and make Paulie a crazy obnoxious birthday card. I'll dedicate a post to the card later. This kid came in that I've encountered maybe two other times before. His name is Paul and he's pretty nice, uncomfortably polite, but not awful to talk to I guess. He came over and commented on my card, said it was cute (HA) and that he'd be outside if I wanted to talk. I finished up the card and texted a few people before poking my head outside to see if he was still present and walking over to talk for a minute. Somehow he got me to buy him a drink? I don't even really remember the conversation, and he said he was kidding when we actually went inside, but whatever. Also, before we went inside he tried to put his arm around my waist and I freaked out, yelled "no physical contact!!!" and wiggled away from him.

So I went inside to get my wallet and he took forever to pick a drink because he is not a, and I HATE this word, "starbucksian." There was a weird four-way conversation/decision between strawberry banana and banana chocolate, and I told Eric (~*~starbucks guy~*~) that banana chocolate makes me uncomfortable, and I couldn't really explain why. Slightly awkward. So dude got his drink and my mom called to tell me she wanted me to walk over to office depot to see how much paper was. I didn't want to be rude so I asked dude if he wanted to come on an adventure. He agreed and I said "be right back," went into the bathroom, and came out with a sharpie mustache and goatee.

As I exited I patted Eric on the butt. He said, "THANK YOU FOR THAT" and looked incredibly, INCREDIBLY, upset.

Aside from obvious no-no on sexual harassment, I'm really really paranoid that everyone there thought I might have had a thing with that dude or something because I just left with him sort of suddenly and bought his drink and oh god oh god oh god no.

AND THEN.

AND. THEN.

I came back in with my mom, who was looking like a serious crackhead, to ask where wallgreens was. They told her, and she started putting her arms in the air and waving one saying, "ok so. this one is my right?" because she can't tell right from left and has to wave her arms around like a retarded newly blind person to be able to tell!!!!!

THISISWHYI'MSINGLE.

urine is sexy!

I was just talking to my mom because I was super excited about a conversation I had with this guy that works at starbucks. It wasn't so much the content of the conversation, just that I had a pretty normal conversation with a cute guy without bringing up my lizards, social anxiety, or some other business no one needs to hear about.

And then I said to my mom, "Yeah and he goes to the bathroom a lot... I kind of hope he has a bladder problem so I can relate to him!" She made some retarded comment and walked downstairs, and as I turned to go into the other room I realized what I had said.

I HOPE HE HAS A BLADDER PROBLEM SO I CAN RELATE TO HIM.

REALLY? FOR SERIOUS? Not, perhaps hoping we have some sort of common interest or hobby or band we like? Ugggh. This is why I'm single.

Guest Blogger: DSLUT

On the night of Christmas 09, after all the present opening and bad food was done and over with, my friends came and picked me up in the 67 camero. I had just gotten out of the shower when they called to tell me to come out side because they were kidnapping me. I of course agreed to said adventure. I put on old gray sweatpants, a very colorful cosby sweater, no bra, a lumber jack hat, and light blue keds. (best outfit ever!) My best guy friend CT wanted coffee, so we drove from the valley to Santa Monica blvd., to this place called cacao (I love this place now) we met a whole bunch of very cool guys. I'm known for being outrageous in public ie. topless in public, screaming, rudeness, etc. I pulled a classic Madison; yelling, showing off my awesome tits and picking up my "twin" Emma and humping her. I started to talk to one guy Ian (now my friend) about something and he mentioned that he thought I was a lesbian, I'm not. I just look like one. I guess.

Prior to this I had met a very cute guy- lets call him "Karl", who I had been texting back and forth with... a lot. Around 2am we left the coffee shop and drove back to the valley. I made plans to meet "Karl" on a street corner to basically have sex in his car. My friends begrugingly left me on the corner. I waited for almost an hour and gave up and called my mom at nearly 3am to come pick me up. Needless to say as soon as she got me he called to ask where i was. I made my mom wait in a parking lot with me till he showed up. He was drunk, so I had him drive to my moms house to have coffee and sober up before he drove home.

When we got back to my mothers place she went back to sleep and we hung out in the living room while I made him coffee. We talked about the last time I had seen him (which was crazy drama). So, we drank our coffee and started snuggling and making-out. Things started to pick up and his hand traveled south. I said "I'm not in fighting shape." His drunk face kinda went blank. "I'm not leaking, I'm umm scruffy..." And I rubbed his facial scruff. He said "Oh." gave me a blank look and kept going with his original plan. Things picked up from there and the lights went out and I went down on him. In the middle of that, my mother walked into the living room. I moved my head to the side as quickly as I could and we both pretended like we were asleep. "Fuck fuck fuck" I thought. I was praying she didn't see anything. She proceeded to walk over to the linen closet and pull out a blanket. She then laid the blanket over us and walked back into her room. I was fucking mortified. After about ten minuets. He got up and claimed he had to get home to return his mothers car and left.

I STILL havent had sex with this guy. I've spent the night at his house with just me and him and hung out with him a few times after this. And nothing. Hopefully I'll be seeing him soon. So we'll see how things work out. ( Can I add that I just got out of a two year relationship with a guy I lived with, wanted to marry, and his children.)

From this story I learned:
- I dress like a lesbian.
- I'm loud and obnoxious.
- I say uncomfortable things.
- My mom is good at cock blocking.

How on earth has anyone ever wanted to have sex with me?

THIS IS WHY I'M SINGLE!

http://dslut.blogspot.com/

Also,

While we were on the couch, I lifted up his shirt and was poking at his bellybutton. Pulled out a sufficient amount of blue lint, giggled, got up, and slid over to my purse to put it in the side pocket. I think I did it again in the morning.

IT'S PROBABLY STILL IN MY PURSE.

THIS IS WHY I'M SINGLE.

spontaneously-combusting-girlfriend guy

So last weekend I went to visit my friend Paulie in Redondo Beach. We watched youtube poops, browsed Craigslist casual encounters for lulz, and got drunk. As usual I ended up on the floor, sliding around, and was clinging to his ankle while he dragged me through the kitchen. I wiggled my way back into the living room and got back on the couch with him so we could watch a movie, which he let me pick.

WE WATCHED BALTO.

I SQUEALED.

THIS IS WHY I'M SINGLE.

THERAPY

This is why I'm single.

hair letter guy

Remember him? Or at least the creepy letter I sent with my hair in it?

So I was at this guy's house, staying over and such because he was a three hour train ride away. He was making some sort of bacon sandwich somethings, and offered me one. I declined and said that I wasn't hungry, although I really was. To put it lightly, I'm a little shy about eating in front of people. After a while of him and his dad pestering me, I gave in and decided to have some bacon. He made it and when he brought it to me, I walked into the kitchen, sat on the floor, and ate it. I wouldn't let either of them come near me or look at me until I was done.

That may or may not have been part of why he stopped talking to me after a while.

Definitely why I'm single, though.

on partaking.

Last year, I did the walk of shame in a black terry cloth strapless dress and leopard print cat ear hair clips. Later that day, I met up with my friend whose had a crush on me for I don't know how long and told him I needed to shower at home before we did anything. He offered to have me use his shower, but I declined and told him there was semen on my chest so I should probably change as well. He didn't need to hear that. I didn't care.

I'm terrible. And I still have those hair clips and plan on wearing them soon.

This is why I'm single.