on being a girlfriend and being an ex-girlfriend

Y'all know that girl you knew in high school that always seemed a little, you know, gay? The chick that wore dickies with the cholo chonies you could see when she bent over? The one that had the queer best friend and hung out with all the lezzies during lunch? The one that never had so much as a real date through all four years of high school?

That girl was me.

I had dreamed of having a boyfriend since I was in elementary school, but due to a hilarious incident in my youth (it was luls, really) I refused to tell people that I even liked guys for the most part. The thing was, I could never really figure out why I wanted a boyfriend. I didn't want to be "in a relationship" (found that creepy), didn't really care if someone loved me (I was mostly content with how I felt towards them), and didn't care much about sex (intimacy is not my bag). I eventually itemized it into why I wanted a boyfriend:

Nude model for sketches
Yeah, I never did this with my ex, but this was seriously my number one all throughout high school, and what I would want a boyfriend for now. I used to be very into art, and if I had a boyfriend right now I'd be over at his place sketching him in his chonies.

Car/bicycle
Needs one or the other. I don't need someone to drive me places, but none of my friends bike for the most part, and I'd like some company for that.

Back massages
I am totally serious when I say that what I would want a boyfriend for most would be to get back massages. I'm totally selfish and love back massages soooo much, but I feel uncomfortable asking for them from friends for the most part (or they just kinda suck at giving them), but I feel like it wouldn't be too weird to ask for one from a boyfriend, right?

Hang-out pal
I can't even get over how lame this is. Granted, the majority of my friends are male, so it's not too weird, right? RIGHT???

So, yeah, assuming you read the title, you know that I eventually became someone's girlfriend. Let's not EVEN get into how terrible that was, because I'm trying to be done with it, but I'd like to think I was an o-kay, albeit absent, girlfriend. I tried to fulfill my normal, college-girlfriend makeout and penis-related duties, texted and called him on the phone every night, and even slept over (BAD IDEA LUL RITE), but I wasn't much one for "developing a relationship" (let's ignore the whole 'I wasn't interested in him or having a relationship with him in the first place' part). Really, my whole thing was trying to keep a guy by pretending to be his girlfriend. Eventually, it was too much and I had to break up with him. This is where it gets ugly.

See, girlfriend-Lars pretends to be nice. But, ex-girlfriend-Lars? Ex-girlfriend-Lars doesn't give a fuck, and will punch you in the face three months later for showing up at her house.

As it turns out, no matter how recent it happened, or how relevant it is to the current conversation, no guy that is interested in you wants to hear you say "yeah, I punched my ex-boyfriend in the face- oh, what'd he do? he showed up at my house", which I wish somebody had told me earlier.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE