on baking

I'm sure most girls can relate. I was in high school, liked a guy, so what could I do to impress him? You know it girl, y'all bitch ass needs to bake. Not cook, but B-A-K-E, bake. Cookies, brownies, cake, fudge... mmm, sounds good, right? Right.

So, I'd bake something, but I couldn't give it to him directly, so I'd give them to everyone. Pretty good, right? I got to be nice to everyone while giving my wannabe-boyfriend some baked goods. Awesome.

I'd done this for years in school, starting from seventh or eighth grade. In my senior year, however, it got a little weird.

You see, when I was a kid, I had one of those queer science books that really are little more than distractions to the crackhead seven-year-old, chock-full of projects like making glue out of milk, Play-Doh from flour, and, in a lesson on emulsion, home-made mayonnaise.

Now, flash-forward to twelfth grade. I was planning on baking a batch of cookies, when I remembered the home-made mayonnaise. It occurred to me that mayonnaise was made of essentially the same ingredients that go into cookies- oil, eggs, and salt, with the addition of vinegar- and that I could put mayonnaise into the cookies. I googled it and saw that people legitimately made cookies with mayonnaise in them, and felt that it would be hilarious to make those.

So the next day, mayo cookies in tow, I went to school and passed them out to friends, telling them that they were sugar cookies with a special ingredient that I divulged to them only after they ate it. They actually tasted like sugar cookies, only they smelled real funky.

I fed people mayonnaise that I had baked into a cookie.
I fed my friends mayonnaise cookies.
I fed boys that I liked mayonnaise.

THIS IS DEFINITELY WHY I'M SINGLE