Lock picking skills

Warning: poop

Let me take you on a journey, my friends. A journey of panic and triumph.


I'm sitting on my crappy backup laptop looking for a keyboard protector on Ebay/Amazon when I suddenly have to poop. This isn't a normal need where you have some time to get to the bathroom, maybe even wait a bit and finish what you're doing first. Oh, no, this is when I stand up I may or may not make it five steps after getting out of my seat. Can I even get out of my seat?

With all of my butt-might I manage to get out of my chair and rush over to my bedroom door and, oh dear god it locked itself when I closed it. It does that sometimes. Why now? Oh god. Okay, whatever, I keep the key in the cabinet right outside of the bedroom. God damnit, it wasn't in there. Where the hell was the key? Really gotta poop. Gottapoopgottapoopgottapoop. Alright, maybe this screwdriver is thin enough to-no. The scissors! No, not those either. Is this really going to be the first time in my adult life that I poop my pants? Please, not today, not ever.

Alas, a glimmer of hope, I run to my wallet to get my trusty Vons card that has, on many occasions, opened at least two apartment doors. SWEET JESUS, IT OPENS. Just a few more seconds. Please stop whining, you can't come outside yet!

Aaaand victory.

Me: 1 Butt:0

Title.

A few months ago I asked a girl at a coffee stand at school for a trash bag "because there's a dying rodent in my sweatshirt."