Unrelated.

I'm not a huge fan of RIP facebook posts. They irk me, somehow, but sometimes there are things that need to be said and I've never found any real comfort in talking to a person when things hurt.

I go to bed almost every single night, worried that I'm not going to wake up. Scared of the nothingness that will be when I'm gone. I can't wrap my head around the concept and it terrifies me. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of people around me dying, disappearing, leaving the world a little more empty each time. When my grandma died, I felt her presence in the world gone, but it never really sunk in. I still forget she's not here when I see Easter decorations. I forget she's not here when I think about visiting my grandparents in fullerton.  I have dreams about her and sometimes it takes hours after waking up to realize that she isn't here anymore and that the grandma in my dreams isn't anything like how she was. She didn't like to talk much...

When Nick died (A few years ago), even though we weren't that close, my whole reality shifted. The world felt a little emptier and I've been terrified since then. Mortality finally sunk in and now I can't sleep at night.

So with each night I try to lie down and sleep, I can't shut these thoughts and fears out of my head because I know that there will be a day where I won't wake up. There will be a day when someone else won't wake up, and I'll feel their absence.

Today I woke up and my childhood friend Michael did not. I wish he hadn't killed himself. I wish he wasn't hurting enough to be driven to do it. I wish there wasn't an emptiness but I know some things you can't get back. It hurts and I'm sad and I'm scared. I'm only 23 and I know that I'm going to lose so much more over the next few years. Any amount of gains can't take away from that. It's just how things are, but I wish I wasn't so terrified. I don't want to lose anyone else. I don't want to lose myself. I wish I could have been there for him.