Guest Blogger: SAGE

My friend, Babycakes, and I were driving to San Francisco for a lovely night of drinking and dancing. Close to our destination I felt the urge to release my bladder. We were on the bridge leading into SF and for some reason there were cops all around. Apparently peeing in public is illegal or something (who comes up with these rules).

Sage: So, I’m definitely gonna need you to pull over.

Babycakes: Sage, I can’t pull over, there are cops everywhere. Just hold it.

Sage: I’ve been holding it for a while now. I don’t think I can make it to the club. Just pull over. You know I have issues with peeing on myself!
Babycakes: Haha, just wait!

Sage: Omg, I have to pee! Babycakes, I don’t want to pee in your car!

Needless to say, I couldn’t hold myself. In a beautiful spectacle of motion, I leaped into the back seat and let myself loose… in a plastic container filled with homemade biscotti. Note to self: don’t drink anything while driving long distances.

This is why I’m single.

I don't even know.

In my senior year of high school, I had to write a term paper for my government class. I chose the issue of abortion as my topic and set my views on whether it should be legal or not. We were required to use a photo on the cover page.

I put a coat hanger.

I got an A+ on the paper, but I'm still single.

penispenispenis

Today, I asked five people how drunk they would have to be to let me watch them stick their penis through the hole in a donut.

This is why I'm single, unlike SOME people. I won't mention names.

NEWSFLASH.

LAYLA IS CURRENTLY DATING SOMEONE.

ALTHOUGH HE'S COMPLETELY RETARDED, SHE IS NO LONGER OFFICIALLY SINGLE.

Fuck you, Layla. Fuck you.

<3

Flirting like a pro-followup

Remember Orange Juice/Darth Vader boy? Despite me SITTING ON THE FLOOR TO TIE MY SHOE after/during ringing him up, he came back to find out my schedule so he could get my number. Super cute. So I gave it to him the next time he came in to see me and we texted for a while and made plans to hang out over the weekend. We had a little thing for two weeks before I moved back to California, and everything was going pretty well even after I had moved. We still texted, he was still super flirty, awesome. After a few days he informed me that he was just leading me on unintentionally, let it get out of hand, didn't want to hurt me etc etc. Obviously it wasn't going to go anywhere, I mean, long distance relationships are RETARDED. I was still really upset and wasn't sure how to handle myself so I replied,

"IS IT BECAUSE I DIDN'T SWALLOW?!"

Yeaaah, probably why I'm single/he didn't want to keep it going.

I MEAN THE RESPONSE, NOT THE FACT THAT I DIDN'T SWALLOW! Although... damnit.

On piercings

I've wanted my lip pierced for a few years. At first I just wanted a ring, but for a while in high school I really really really wanted snake bites. I was sort of obsessed with the idea. I wanted the little studs instead of rings, but I didn't have $80 or so to go do it. So, instead, I put dots under my lip with an eyeliner pencil and wore it around, out in the world, to school, etc. Oh, but it didn't stop there! I decided to take this silver art glue I had and put little gobs over the eyeliner dots and wear that around when it dried.

This is why I'm single.

GOD DAMNIT

Well, apparently this is why I'm single.

Mitosis.

I get really excited whenever mitosis and/or meiosis comes up.

Earlier this evening, I was studying for my child development psychology class and came to the section on genetics. I called Lars, ecstatic, to inform her that I had just discovered that as a result of meiosis "FOUR sperm cells are formed! NOT JUST ONE!! I NEVER KNEW THAT!"

This is why I'm single.

Oh, also, I farted audibly in Stove's car last night.

More on tact?

I received a text from my friend today.

"Are you gonna get upset if I have a crush on you?"

My reply?

"Dude i don't give two shits it's fine."

Yeah, probably why I'm single.

FAVORITE SWEATER.

No joke. You should see it in person, when the sun is out. Hoboy.

This is why I'm single.

self explanatory