How to keep someone around.

The last time I was with a guy, I dug lint out of his bellybutton and then put a chick shaped SweeTart candy in it.

Guess who won't hang out with me now?

This is why I'm single.

Because

one of much older posts refers to my "majestically tight vagina"

I hate myself.

This is why I'm single.

Sweet sixteen.

The first time I ever touched a penis was when I had taken a greyhound to Truckee to stay with a girl I met off of Myspace who then dropped me off in Reno to visit some guy I met off of Vampirefreaks.

So I'm in bed with VF guy who decides he wants to mess around, starts rubbing at his junk under the blankets and tells me I should try it. I was hesitant and didn't know what I was supposed to do so he takes my hand and guides it to his promised land. I literally just grabbed it gently with my thumb and forefinger, panicked, and ran upstairs saying "I'm gonna go wash my hands!" because I thought you were supposed to wash your hands after?


My stepmother later forced me to mail him a hand written thank-you note for letting me stay over.

He never spoke to me again.


This is why I'm single.


(Sorry I switch tense a lot when writing.)

Because my first time in Vegas Pt. II

My friend Jen let me borrow this fantastic metallic blue and brown leopard print tube dress for Vegas shenanigans. This dress, though. This fucking dress. For some reason it had a piece of material attached only at the neck and at the bottom, forming a sort of giant pocket. The previous borrower had filled it with candy conversation hearts. Filing that information in the back of my mind, and perhaps several shots in, I decided to stuff this pocket dress full of Uncrustables before heading out to the clubs.

A dollar margarita, 2 vodka cranberries, and several stealings of Jen's vodka cranberries later, I was found clinging to the railing of an escalator, waving my plastic packaged pocket psandwiches at passers-by asking them if they would like one. I then proceeded to chase some poor man down the strip insisting that he eat it.

I don't remember anything after that.

This is why I'm single.

Because the thirst is, apparently, too real.

Because on more than one occasion I have flown across the country for some chance at physical affection but I won't make a mile long walk to the CVS because I just don't like the scenery.

I took a 6 hour bus trip on 5 different buses to spend one night in Wildomar (and a 5hr trip home) but I won't take 2 hours out of my day to bus to/from the promenade so I can buy socks.

Guys I'm running out of plain black socks.

Help.

101 Reasons.

This has been my #1 sweatshirt of choice for at least 2 weeks now.

Guess what I'm wearing RIGHT NOW?

This is why I'm single.

On first date followups.

After my first date with 8monthasshole, instead of saying something like "I had a nice time, I'd like to see you again," I texted him a few hours later


"I don't hate you."


Charming, I'm sure.